yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
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If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
japanese corn
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.