Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
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[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.