I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
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interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
scares
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded