@SomeChrisTweets

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

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@abhorrent_wife

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

@weinerdog4life

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

@jimmytorosian

Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”

Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”

Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”

@peterjames48

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

@QwertyJones3

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

@ColoradoUgly

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.

@markedly

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

@joeldanger

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

@ilovepie84

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.