Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus