Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

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[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u


Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise


accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.


[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know


I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.


So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.


I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so


Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.