@longwall26

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

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@ch000ch

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

@Home_Halfway

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

@mattZillaaaa

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

@waydybee

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

@ArfMeasures

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal

@TheTweetOfGod

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

@david8hughes

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

@jonnysun

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

@aneesa_p

First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.