@longwall26

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

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@GringoBrulee

HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

@Chyld

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

@JayElem00

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

@__apf__

accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in

@UncleDuke1969

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

@TheReal_AndyMac

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

@pleatedjeans

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]

@KyleMcDowell86

“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”

@JesseFernandez

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.