*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
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I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
a badder mouse
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?