*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

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one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year


I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.


I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space


whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!


ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal


I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.


[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here


“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁


First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.