*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

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HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.


Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!


Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.


accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in


*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”


Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.


Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]


“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”


Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.