My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
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[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”