[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
You Might Also Like
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.