just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
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By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”