Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
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My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication