Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
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One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.