Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
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I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
greetings!
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
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It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.