Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
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MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!