Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
You Might Also Like
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Okey dokey.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like