Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
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Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Why is this me 😫
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds