*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
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[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks