me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
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My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.