The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
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Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I’ve been drinking.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.