Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
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#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that