*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
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Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
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If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.