Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
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My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you