doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
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[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.