Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
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Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot