Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
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*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
went fishing caught a bass
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Called it
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.