Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
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[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.