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[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*