One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
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Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.