When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
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Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer