Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
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If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Saving my good tweets for marriage
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
no regrets
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?