A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
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Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
If a snake ate a cake
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda