Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
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You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
water it, i dare you
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Alexa; make it look like an accident
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes