if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
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My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
im all 3
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
saving face 👀