My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
You Might Also Like
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending