At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
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Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?