snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
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Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.