Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
You Might Also Like
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.