Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
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Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
The USS B port
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Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
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Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.