Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
You Might Also Like
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”