Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
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“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
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chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
When libraries troll their patrons.
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If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”