Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
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“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.