Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
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First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no