When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
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I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Worst perfume name ever.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I like long walks away from everyone
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Always 🥴
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared