There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
You Might Also Like
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
The little toadstool has spoken.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.