Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
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If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through