me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
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*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
#MeanwhileInCanada
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Hello Twits.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*