me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
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2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
That 👊
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.