Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
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Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.