1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
You Might Also Like
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
I’d hang this in my house.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.