Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

sleeping beauty

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

Introducing new iPhone 5 features:

– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”