I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
What even happened today?
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.