I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
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People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
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“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
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“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
#SCOTUS one-star review
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Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”