I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
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Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
No, he would not have.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.