(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
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Weirdly Wednesday.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?