Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
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Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
How to make infinite energy.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.