I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
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Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.