Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
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Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.