Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
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Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Saturday
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.