I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
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[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.