(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
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My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.